I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
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PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
A bold strategy
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes
Leaving hotel: just don’t kill anybody but if you do take the body please. But it’s ok if you don’t
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.