is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
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boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
Cake!!
Incredible customer service.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Support your local cemetery
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
see you in hell you stupid fruit