I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
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I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Oops
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.