When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
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[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
Note to self: I am a note
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?