I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
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Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing