[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
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Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.