I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
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Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
What’s so funny?
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.