The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
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Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask