Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
You Might Also Like
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.