Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
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If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?