Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
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It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.