Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
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Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis