9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
You Might Also Like
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while