FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
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Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Y鈥檃ll answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn鈥檛 hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh鈥hssssssh鈥eeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
鈥K, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don鈥檛 have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you鈥檒l never hear from me again
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 馃拃
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it鈥檚 me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it鈥檚 just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup