[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
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My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?