I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
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Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.