*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
You Might Also Like
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?