Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
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Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Feels
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
when nothing goes right… go left
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
From my Mom
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
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This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.