Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
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Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”