Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
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*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
concern
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.