Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
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I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.