Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
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Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
She puts the hot in psychotic
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
Me :
All Day At Night
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.