Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
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my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Flowers bee like
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.