I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
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The Weeknd is back
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
I love art.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language