The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
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Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
In banana years, I am bread.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.