It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
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CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Saturday
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party