Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
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I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
I love the honesty
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”