Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
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*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
selena gomez
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!