The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
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i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
Donating blood today to make room for more food
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof