Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
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I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Stop being racist to kettles.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?