me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
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FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.