Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
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“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
#Caturday
So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Goodnight 🐶
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.