Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
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Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.