Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
You Might Also Like
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.