“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
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Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
Is this a threat?
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.