Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
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At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up