Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
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Squirrel having fun.. 😅
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.