It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
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Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only