I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
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Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
saw this in a dream
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Wednesday
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Life is a suicide mission.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.