Not recommended for beginners.
You Might Also Like
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?