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Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do