Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
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god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Does it…does it take 3 days
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Here’s a meme
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars