[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
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[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
I’ve been drinking.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”