My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
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Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*