Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
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If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.