My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
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My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.