birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
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Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
NASA has no chill
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”