so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
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10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.