Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
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If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s