JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
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[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
never deleting this app.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse